10 Things I Hate About...Life

There are hundreds of movies, tv shows, stand up routines, and jokes about the little things in life that drive us crazy. People make careers off being able to identify and elaborate on these types of things. Think of Jerry Seinfeld and Kevin James. Lately, I have been keeping track of such things in my phone as I see them occur in my life. Listed below are 10 of my favorites, or perhaps I should say least favorites.

-I hate when someone holds the door open for you when you are more than four steps away. You feel obligated to give a courtesy jog and a little thank you, it's awkward and unnecessary. I appreciate the thought but I am fully capable of opening a door myself and I don't need to be the recipient of your “good turn daily”. I suggest that there should be a two step maximum distance for door holds. If you are just an extremely nice and loving person and feel obligated to always make an effort to hold a door open for someone then maybe you could do the big push thing as you walk by. That way if I want to hustle up and catch it before it closes then I can, but I don't have to, and you can walk away feeling like you did the Christ-like thing.

-I hate when someone crosses the street in front of you and makes you hit the brakes. Then they take their sweet time slowly walking across the street and never look back to give the courtesy wave. If I have to hit my brakes, not only do I expect a little hustle but I also deserve at least a thank you head nod if not a full on wave with a mouthed “thank you”. Why did you have to cross at that very second? You're obviously not in a hurry, so why couldn't you have waited six more seconds? All I ask is that we are a little less selfish.

-I hate when people wear their sunglasses indoors or at night. I can just imagine them checking themselves out in the mirror and thinking; “I look so good in these that I absolutely cannot afford to be seen without them.” I agree that sunglasses can be a vital beauty accessory. I mean what other item can you throw on that will cover close to half of the surface area of your face and instantly bump you up a solid point on the looks scale? All I ask is that we use a little discretion and kindly remove them when it gets difficult to even see where you're walking because it's far too dark.

-I hate when people are inconsistent with their speed on the freeway. You know when the same car passes you, 25 seconds later you pass them, and so on and so forth all the way to Las Vegas? I know that I have been going exactly 82 the entire way, so obviously you are completely oblivious the speed of your car until it hits about 100 and you slam on the brakes. It's frustrating to watch and I can only imagine it's frustrating to witness first hand from the passenger seat.

-I hate when someone makes me break my cruise control. I have it perfectly set at 82 (the optimal freeway speed fyi) and suddenly Diane in the blue Ford Focus finds it absolutely necessary to pass that very moment when I am only 60 feet behind her. I try to use the decel button so I don't have to cancel the cruise control but you know as well as I do that that's not going to be sufficient and I am going to have to use the brakes. Now, you've ruined my cruise control and I have to wait at least 1 minute before you pass the car, merge back to the slow lane where you belong, and then accelerate (not to mention the wasted gas used in performing such a maneuver) back up to my optimal 82. Please people, be considerate.

-I hate when I am the only one in a group that doesn't think something is hilarious. Everyone around me seems to think that Joe's locker room jokes are the epitome of funny and I'm left wondering if my sense of humor is off or if I'm just surrounded by idiots. Either way I find myself in that situation too often. Do I fake a laugh just to fit in? Or do I hold strong, maintain my pride and withhold my laughter for things that I find truly funny? Why should I lower my standards just so the person telling the sub-par jokes can feel that much more comfortable? I don't think I should and I think I'll continue to make people earn my laughs.

-I hate it when fountain drinks aren't mixed properly. You know, the mixture of carbonated water and syrup. We have high speed internet on our phones, cars that drive themselves, and rockets that fly to the outer regions on our galaxy but consistently mixing the soda is a problem that we can't seem to master. And it's always too much carbonated water. Never is the Pepsi too syrupy, which is a problem that I'd maybe be more apt to deal with. Countless times I have been driving along when all of a sudden a great thought flutters into my mind; “you know what sounds amazing right now? An ice cold Pepsi or Diet Coke from the gas station.” Imagine my disappointment when I go through the hassle of locating a g-station, driving to it, going in, physically fixing the drink, searching for change in my pockets, and finally getting back into my car ready to enjoy the first sip when I discover that it's a bad batch. A bad batch! Not only am I upset because of the wasted time/effort/money but I'm still left with this unquenchable thirst and only brown colored carbonated water to quench it with. It's a less than ideal situation and it's one that is making me contemplate possible bottled soda purchases from here on out.

-I hate it when someone wears the full Lance Armstrong biking gear when they are riding around town. Why do you have to wear USPS sponsored gear from head to toe to ride your bike through the streets. I know you're not sponsored. In fact, you probably paid quite the good looking penny to acquire such a get-up. Whats wrong with some shorts and a t-shirt? Is wind drag really a problem for you? Of course not, you just want people to look at you and admire your trim physique and expensive sunglasses.

-I hate it when people can't handle simple math. The other day I bought something for like $1.34 at a place that didn't have a cash register. I handed the lady a $5 bill and waited for my change. She had this absolutely puzzled look on her face and I could see the wheels were turning as she tried to subtract 1.34 from 5. After about 30 seconds I decided to help her out and say 3.66. I didn't want to be rude and put this lady down, but I just wanted my change so I could leave. I did it in as nice a way as I could come up with (Ummm, I think it's like $3.66 right?), and then she gave me a look like she didn't trust me, as if I was trying to cheat her out of $0.14 or something. Eventually she agreed on $3.66 and I was able to leave but the fact remains that if you can't handle simple math like that and are operating a place of business where that kind of math is very needful and necessary then maybe you should invest the $3 and get yourself a calculator.

Family, isn't it about... mine?

So after a blazing fast start to this blog, we've kinda slown down a bit. (Since when is "slown" not a word? Dang spell check makes me realize how ignorant I really am. But I'd rather have it tell me than have you do it, Nik Mason.) I guess its time to stimulate the minds of all you uneffective people out there. And i feel that its time for a post that isn't about sports. (Especially since Blair and Brock just put me on blast about who I do or don't like. Go Cowboys!!!!!)

So I thought this post could be about something everyone has an opinion on. I want to hear from you people about your life perspective based on your birth order. lol. Random, I know. My little brother Riley came down to Provo over Memorial Day weekend, and we got to spend a lot of time together. (I come from a family with 4 sons. It goes me, Riley, Robbie, and Quinn. Riley is 22. Then Robbie who is almost 20 and on his mission in El Salvador. Quinn is last at 17 and hates every minute of being the youngest.)

Those 3 days are probably the most time Riley and I have ever spent together outside of a family trip to Lake Chelan a few year ago. (I think we all still have nightmares about that excursion, and I'm glad no pictures exist to remind us. But we appreciate the effort Mom and Dad. hahaha. jk, it was...um...a good escape from everything in life that we liked. haha.) Anyway, I kept introducing Riley to my friends as my younger brother and didn't think anything of it. He turned to me one time and said, "Its so weird to be called that. You're the only person in the world that can introduce me like that." It got me thinking about birth order and how different our perspectives are. I mean, I have 3 younger brothers, so the idea of "my younger brother" is pretty normal to me. But what is it like for the middle kids who have younger and older siblings? How about the youngest, who only has older siblings? Does it make them feel inferior to be called a younger sibling? I have no idea what its like. And don't even get me started on the idea of having sisters! What do you have to do wrong to be born into a family with girls?! (jk jk jk. But it would be a whole different experience to have sisters.) I realize that marriage will be a huge eye-opener for me when I have to learn how to live with a girl, but I'd much rather just get it all over in one brutal experience with my wife than have to go through years of agony as a child and youth in a house with girl issues and drama. (Hahaha. I know a lot of people are now offended, and I'm totally not entirely serious ["totally not entirely?"], but can you see my point? I'm sure plenty of guys with sisters can admit I've missed out on some horrors.) I know I missed out on a lot of cool things by not having any sisters, but do the positives outweigh the negatives? Someone enlighten me. As a matter of fact, I would appreciate any enlightenment from anyone who has a different point of view. Or even the same one.

As the oldest child, I felt like the guinea pig sometimes. I know my little brothers got to do some things that my parents never would allow me to do. And vice versa. I think its obvious and necessary that parents learn with the first child, and then make adjustments as more come along. I'm just saying that's how I felt. And I made sure to point out the times when my siblings got to do stuff I never did at their age. haha. "That's not fair!!! You never let me have sleepovers when I was that age!!!" I also feel like I was supposed to grow up quicker than the others. I was babysitting my younger brothers when I was 10 and 11, but my parents wouldn't even let Quinn stay home alone until he was a teenager. Maybe I'm remembering this wrong, but that sure is what it seems like.

Another thing, I always felt like I had to be perfect. There was lots of pressure to be the good example and not make any mistakes or else my brothers would see them and think they were okay to make. That might be part of the reason I didn't hang out with my brothers very much. I didn't want to risk making a mistake around them, and by not being around them the pressure was off. I always felt like I had to do the right things and that mistakes weren't ok. Maybe this is why I'm so competitive and can't stand losing. I don't deal with failure very well. And I know that feeling like I had to be perfect made me a very demanding older brother. I always let them know when they made mistakes or didn't do what they were supposed to. I'm not proud of that, I'm just telling you how things were. I feel bad that I was such a police officer all the time. I probably put more pressure on my brothers to be perfect than my parents put on me. Do any other oldest children feel the same way? Did this happen in other families?

Man, it seems like this blog turned into a confessional. haha. But I've just been thinking a lot about family dynamics and if they are the same or similar in all families. And what is it like if you are an only child? I was almost 5 before Riley was born, and I can admit it was an adjustment to learn to share my parents' time. But what if you never have to learn to share it? C'mon people. Pipe in. I feel like there is a lot more I wanted to say, but I can't remember any of it now. That's why I'm uneffective. :-) So fill in the blanks.