APRIL FOOLS!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! GOTCHA!!!!

I hate to say it, but that was pretty darn effective...

But for those of you who are just checking this blog out for the first time... why not make this trip worthwhile and read up on our past blogs. They're life changing... even for fools (especially for fools)...and then subscribe to the blog! Our first post explains what we're all about. Though it needs serious updating.

Happy day of fooling around!

Corey J. Nielson

"Literally, the worst day of my life"

Well everybody, it has been my turn to blog for roughly 18 months now, and I have just now decided to come out of retirement and continue on with this thread of literary golden nuggets that we had previously established. A lot has changed in this short amount of time. 18 months ago, I slept with my feet less then 12 inches from Brocks head, and usually got struck by some type of hard object in the middle of the night to stop my snoring. Corey slept about 20 feet away, around the corner, on our couch, where his usual waking time on a good day was around noon. We all combined to have less then $47 in our pockets (alright, that probably hasn't really changed much, and that might be a generous estimate). Corey and I gave plasma for $$$ to get by, and Brock, actually I don't know what Brock did to get by, but there was usually a little less milk, cereal, and ice cream around every time I opened the fridge. He is still alive (I think??), so put 2 and 2 together and....I don't even know, but he got by. We were your prototypical poor college kids with a friend that slept on the couch (thats normal right?).

In this short absence,
Brock is now married (miracles happen folks) and lives in Phoenix, Arizona.
Corey is almost married (fingers crossed) and lives in Portland, Oregon.
I also managed get married (hallelujah) and live in St. George, Utah.

So I guess life finally slapped us in the face with a 2x4? I don't know. If we could all sleep within several feet of each other and be bums for the rest of our lives and give plasma twice a week just for food, that would have been really nice. But, there were already too many people at Belmont doing that and I guess we have to grow up at some point. But this blog is my last ditch effort to prolong that growing up thing, and rekindle some great memories and conversation that are maybe worth a read. Anyways, I've now been rambling for plenty long and your probably asking your why your even reading this. Despite our distance from each other, we have had 1 common bond over the last year to keep us close. Fantasy Football.

I received a text from Corey the other night that said "this is the worst day of my life!" This came shortly after being bounced from the Santa Clara Players Association Fantasy Football League as the #1 seed in the first round of the playoffs, and the game winning field goal for his Cowboys being blocked by the Giants as time expired. This my friends, is the beauty of sports. Where we rely and grow to love on these random people throwing a pig skin object around to prevail us over another friend in fantasy football, which obviously shows that we are vastly superior in knowledge when it comes to the performance of these athletes. So after all of this took place, and I received this text from Corey, I started to become concerned about his sanity and mental health. This raised the question to me, how much is too much? How much can you emotionally invest into a sports team or your fantasy football team before it has become too much? I thought this question was worthy of A. shaking off the cobwebs and making a post since it has been my turn for a year and a half. B. to preserve Corey's mental health and get him off his writers stump to contribute to this blog once again. C. to see if Brock is still alive, and D. to give me something to do because this is possibly the slowest time ever to do Real Estate (who wants to buy a house on Christmas?) So with those questions, and this short catch up session, I leave you my friends. It has been pleasure.

Love,
B. Robert Frei

Say What you Mean, and Mean what You Say

Hey everyone, its Corey again. Through means of some fan feedback we were told that sometimes people don't know who is blogging, so we were encouraged to state our names at the beginning of our posts. (Many of you may have noticed our blog names that directly follow our post, so maybe this new information is unnecessary. I thought it was pretty obvious, and almost laughed at the suggestion, but then I remembered who our audience is and realized, "If they can deduce all of that info without the obvious statement of fact, then they aren't uneffective." So this ones for you, UP-ers.) And now that you know its me, I will continue with my scheduled thoughts.

First things first (Wait, stating my name was first). Second things second, I just heard the most interesting statement. I was kinda eavesdropping and this guy was telling a story about a group of friends and this kid they didn't know very well that was hanging out with them. But as the story went on, the group warmed up to the new kid and found him to be pretty funny. Correction, extremely funny. To show how funny the kid was, the storyteller's exact words were, "He was LITERALLY the funniest kid ever." I wanted to walk right up to the guy and shake his hand. I mean, how often in your life will you come across somebody who has met every kid ever to live?! "Literally the funniest kid ever?!" Now, I'm uneffective, and all for exaggeration, but we have to draw a line somewhere! If you use the word, "literally," I expect to be delivered a fact, not some overblown exaggeration. Now, maybe this kid is actually the funniest of all time (in which case I owe storyteller-dude an apology). But if that is the case, I think I would have heard about him by now. There is a lot of money in being funny. (And in rhyming, if only I could find some better timing.) So why is this kid hiding out, playing the new-kid-in-the-group-until-they-realize-i'm-funny-so-I-can-be-more-popular-and-well-known card? Get a PR team together, and lets take the comedy world by storm already!!

Ok, that was way more than I meant to devote to that subject. It just struck me as strange. I didn't mean to literally take up 946 pages on that one line of conversation. Figuratively speaking, I just thought it was interesting. No lie, I laughed for 7 hours after I heard it. In plain terms, the accuracy of his pre-conceived notion of the hilarity of the aforementioned youth was preposterous, nonchalant, and negligent. I think I make my point.

Ok, now for what I really was gonna write about. I was walking out of church the other day, and as I walked down the sidewalk I noticed a guy walking towards me. I realized that we would pass each other and knew that some type of exchange would take place. You know what I mean. You know you're gonna both look up at the same time, make eye contact, and then express a salutation of some sort. Whether an eyebrow raise, head nod, or some kind of verbal acknowledgement, you will address this stranger in some way. I had about 20 feet to realize and process all of this, which is more than enough time to game-plan. However, when the time came, it all unfolded a little differently than I imagined. We both looked up, both nodded, and that should have been it. But for some strange reason, I muttered, "How ya doin." Let the record show that I did not expect an answer. It was simply the salutation that came to mind. Yet he, being a polite and thoughtful person, answered, "I'm good. How are you?" Not wanting to be the rude one, I answered back, "I'm good too. Thanks." Now, keep in mind, when this exchange started, we were about 3 feet from each other. So by the time it was all wrapped up, he was a good 5 feet past me, leaving me kicking myself (notice I didn't say literally) and feeling awkward and dumb.

I think some comedian talks about this same thing, and I'm not trying to steal anyone's joke. I just found myself thinking about why that happened, and why I felt so dumb afterwards. I mean, that was way more conversation than ever should have occurred. At first, I was accusing the other guy of being at fault. I mean, my line did not require a response. I would have thought nothing of it if he had just said, "What's up." or "Hey." So it was his fault for replying to my rhetorical question. What an idiot. Then I realized that I had responded to the exact same question... two steps after we were no longer facing each other. He responded while I could see him. I, on the other hand, muttered my response into vast emptiness before me. So I guess I'm the idiot.

I don't want to be the idiot, so I'm still trying to figure out how to explain this away. I can't, but I've thought of some interesting things in the meantime that will hopefully dispel my idiocy. First item: who established the correct distance to look up and make eye contact? Because there is a time when people look up. And how do we all know when that is? Because everybody does it. Its just a few steps before passing the other person. I'd guess about 3 feet. But the 4-20 foot space is a definite no-no. You can't look at them then. Eye contact at 15 feet is just begging for awkward. (And for those of us who have had the unfortunate experience of being paired up with someone wearing sunglasses, there is no more awkward feeling. "Are they looking at me?" "Should I smile?" "But if they aren't looking then I'm an idiot." "But if they are and I don't, I'm a jerk." "Oh shoot, now I'm staring." "Curse you eye-contact-situation-creator!")

Which brings me to thought number 2: Who created awkward? Why was my incident awkward? Was it because I expected more out of it? or less? I mean, I was being polite to my fellowman, and now I feel like I made a huge mistake! I wonder how much longer our conversation could have gone if I would have asked another question back to the guy. I challenge you UP-ites to make "awkward" something that happens so much that it becomes normal. I imagine the first handshake was awkward, but now its a part of everyday life! So lets go out and start up full conversations with passing strangers and see how long they can carry on without turning around or stopping. If someone asks you a salutary (thank you thesaurus) question, you answer it and then respond with a question of your own. See if it keeps going. But don't stop to actually talk. I imagine by the time you get to "ya, i'll probably just take the kids to soccer so my wife can rest her feet. What about your evening?" you will be yelling at the top of your lungs to make sure they can still hear you.

And with that, I leave you. Again, this was Corey writing. And I'm pretty proud of this post. Literally, figuratively, metaphorically, and ecumenically proud.

P.S. Speaking of awkward, check out this website http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com

And while you're at it, look up the photo titled "eye contact." See if you can spot it. haha

Enjoy

10 Things I Hate About...Life

There are hundreds of movies, tv shows, stand up routines, and jokes about the little things in life that drive us crazy. People make careers off being able to identify and elaborate on these types of things. Think of Jerry Seinfeld and Kevin James. Lately, I have been keeping track of such things in my phone as I see them occur in my life. Listed below are 10 of my favorites, or perhaps I should say least favorites.

-I hate when someone holds the door open for you when you are more than four steps away. You feel obligated to give a courtesy jog and a little thank you, it's awkward and unnecessary. I appreciate the thought but I am fully capable of opening a door myself and I don't need to be the recipient of your “good turn daily”. I suggest that there should be a two step maximum distance for door holds. If you are just an extremely nice and loving person and feel obligated to always make an effort to hold a door open for someone then maybe you could do the big push thing as you walk by. That way if I want to hustle up and catch it before it closes then I can, but I don't have to, and you can walk away feeling like you did the Christ-like thing.

-I hate when someone crosses the street in front of you and makes you hit the brakes. Then they take their sweet time slowly walking across the street and never look back to give the courtesy wave. If I have to hit my brakes, not only do I expect a little hustle but I also deserve at least a thank you head nod if not a full on wave with a mouthed “thank you”. Why did you have to cross at that very second? You're obviously not in a hurry, so why couldn't you have waited six more seconds? All I ask is that we are a little less selfish.

-I hate when people wear their sunglasses indoors or at night. I can just imagine them checking themselves out in the mirror and thinking; “I look so good in these that I absolutely cannot afford to be seen without them.” I agree that sunglasses can be a vital beauty accessory. I mean what other item can you throw on that will cover close to half of the surface area of your face and instantly bump you up a solid point on the looks scale? All I ask is that we use a little discretion and kindly remove them when it gets difficult to even see where you're walking because it's far too dark.

-I hate when people are inconsistent with their speed on the freeway. You know when the same car passes you, 25 seconds later you pass them, and so on and so forth all the way to Las Vegas? I know that I have been going exactly 82 the entire way, so obviously you are completely oblivious the speed of your car until it hits about 100 and you slam on the brakes. It's frustrating to watch and I can only imagine it's frustrating to witness first hand from the passenger seat.

-I hate when someone makes me break my cruise control. I have it perfectly set at 82 (the optimal freeway speed fyi) and suddenly Diane in the blue Ford Focus finds it absolutely necessary to pass that very moment when I am only 60 feet behind her. I try to use the decel button so I don't have to cancel the cruise control but you know as well as I do that that's not going to be sufficient and I am going to have to use the brakes. Now, you've ruined my cruise control and I have to wait at least 1 minute before you pass the car, merge back to the slow lane where you belong, and then accelerate (not to mention the wasted gas used in performing such a maneuver) back up to my optimal 82. Please people, be considerate.

-I hate when I am the only one in a group that doesn't think something is hilarious. Everyone around me seems to think that Joe's locker room jokes are the epitome of funny and I'm left wondering if my sense of humor is off or if I'm just surrounded by idiots. Either way I find myself in that situation too often. Do I fake a laugh just to fit in? Or do I hold strong, maintain my pride and withhold my laughter for things that I find truly funny? Why should I lower my standards just so the person telling the sub-par jokes can feel that much more comfortable? I don't think I should and I think I'll continue to make people earn my laughs.

-I hate it when fountain drinks aren't mixed properly. You know, the mixture of carbonated water and syrup. We have high speed internet on our phones, cars that drive themselves, and rockets that fly to the outer regions on our galaxy but consistently mixing the soda is a problem that we can't seem to master. And it's always too much carbonated water. Never is the Pepsi too syrupy, which is a problem that I'd maybe be more apt to deal with. Countless times I have been driving along when all of a sudden a great thought flutters into my mind; “you know what sounds amazing right now? An ice cold Pepsi or Diet Coke from the gas station.” Imagine my disappointment when I go through the hassle of locating a g-station, driving to it, going in, physically fixing the drink, searching for change in my pockets, and finally getting back into my car ready to enjoy the first sip when I discover that it's a bad batch. A bad batch! Not only am I upset because of the wasted time/effort/money but I'm still left with this unquenchable thirst and only brown colored carbonated water to quench it with. It's a less than ideal situation and it's one that is making me contemplate possible bottled soda purchases from here on out.

-I hate it when someone wears the full Lance Armstrong biking gear when they are riding around town. Why do you have to wear USPS sponsored gear from head to toe to ride your bike through the streets. I know you're not sponsored. In fact, you probably paid quite the good looking penny to acquire such a get-up. Whats wrong with some shorts and a t-shirt? Is wind drag really a problem for you? Of course not, you just want people to look at you and admire your trim physique and expensive sunglasses.

-I hate it when people can't handle simple math. The other day I bought something for like $1.34 at a place that didn't have a cash register. I handed the lady a $5 bill and waited for my change. She had this absolutely puzzled look on her face and I could see the wheels were turning as she tried to subtract 1.34 from 5. After about 30 seconds I decided to help her out and say 3.66. I didn't want to be rude and put this lady down, but I just wanted my change so I could leave. I did it in as nice a way as I could come up with (Ummm, I think it's like $3.66 right?), and then she gave me a look like she didn't trust me, as if I was trying to cheat her out of $0.14 or something. Eventually she agreed on $3.66 and I was able to leave but the fact remains that if you can't handle simple math like that and are operating a place of business where that kind of math is very needful and necessary then maybe you should invest the $3 and get yourself a calculator.

Family, isn't it about... mine?

So after a blazing fast start to this blog, we've kinda slown down a bit. (Since when is "slown" not a word? Dang spell check makes me realize how ignorant I really am. But I'd rather have it tell me than have you do it, Nik Mason.) I guess its time to stimulate the minds of all you uneffective people out there. And i feel that its time for a post that isn't about sports. (Especially since Blair and Brock just put me on blast about who I do or don't like. Go Cowboys!!!!!)

So I thought this post could be about something everyone has an opinion on. I want to hear from you people about your life perspective based on your birth order. lol. Random, I know. My little brother Riley came down to Provo over Memorial Day weekend, and we got to spend a lot of time together. (I come from a family with 4 sons. It goes me, Riley, Robbie, and Quinn. Riley is 22. Then Robbie who is almost 20 and on his mission in El Salvador. Quinn is last at 17 and hates every minute of being the youngest.)

Those 3 days are probably the most time Riley and I have ever spent together outside of a family trip to Lake Chelan a few year ago. (I think we all still have nightmares about that excursion, and I'm glad no pictures exist to remind us. But we appreciate the effort Mom and Dad. hahaha. jk, it was...um...a good escape from everything in life that we liked. haha.) Anyway, I kept introducing Riley to my friends as my younger brother and didn't think anything of it. He turned to me one time and said, "Its so weird to be called that. You're the only person in the world that can introduce me like that." It got me thinking about birth order and how different our perspectives are. I mean, I have 3 younger brothers, so the idea of "my younger brother" is pretty normal to me. But what is it like for the middle kids who have younger and older siblings? How about the youngest, who only has older siblings? Does it make them feel inferior to be called a younger sibling? I have no idea what its like. And don't even get me started on the idea of having sisters! What do you have to do wrong to be born into a family with girls?! (jk jk jk. But it would be a whole different experience to have sisters.) I realize that marriage will be a huge eye-opener for me when I have to learn how to live with a girl, but I'd much rather just get it all over in one brutal experience with my wife than have to go through years of agony as a child and youth in a house with girl issues and drama. (Hahaha. I know a lot of people are now offended, and I'm totally not entirely serious ["totally not entirely?"], but can you see my point? I'm sure plenty of guys with sisters can admit I've missed out on some horrors.) I know I missed out on a lot of cool things by not having any sisters, but do the positives outweigh the negatives? Someone enlighten me. As a matter of fact, I would appreciate any enlightenment from anyone who has a different point of view. Or even the same one.

As the oldest child, I felt like the guinea pig sometimes. I know my little brothers got to do some things that my parents never would allow me to do. And vice versa. I think its obvious and necessary that parents learn with the first child, and then make adjustments as more come along. I'm just saying that's how I felt. And I made sure to point out the times when my siblings got to do stuff I never did at their age. haha. "That's not fair!!! You never let me have sleepovers when I was that age!!!" I also feel like I was supposed to grow up quicker than the others. I was babysitting my younger brothers when I was 10 and 11, but my parents wouldn't even let Quinn stay home alone until he was a teenager. Maybe I'm remembering this wrong, but that sure is what it seems like.

Another thing, I always felt like I had to be perfect. There was lots of pressure to be the good example and not make any mistakes or else my brothers would see them and think they were okay to make. That might be part of the reason I didn't hang out with my brothers very much. I didn't want to risk making a mistake around them, and by not being around them the pressure was off. I always felt like I had to do the right things and that mistakes weren't ok. Maybe this is why I'm so competitive and can't stand losing. I don't deal with failure very well. And I know that feeling like I had to be perfect made me a very demanding older brother. I always let them know when they made mistakes or didn't do what they were supposed to. I'm not proud of that, I'm just telling you how things were. I feel bad that I was such a police officer all the time. I probably put more pressure on my brothers to be perfect than my parents put on me. Do any other oldest children feel the same way? Did this happen in other families?

Man, it seems like this blog turned into a confessional. haha. But I've just been thinking a lot about family dynamics and if they are the same or similar in all families. And what is it like if you are an only child? I was almost 5 before Riley was born, and I can admit it was an adjustment to learn to share my parents' time. But what if you never have to learn to share it? C'mon people. Pipe in. I feel like there is a lot more I wanted to say, but I can't remember any of it now. That's why I'm uneffective. :-) So fill in the blanks.

No Wagonism....

“I now consider myself the greatest player of all time.” If you do not recognize this great human being, his name is Rickey Henderson. And yes, that is his quote. This strikes me as being ironic because I’d venture to say most don’t recognize this man. Yet he considers himself the greatest professional baseball player of all time. Not only is this statement ludicrous, but it is awesome. I don’t care who you are, to literally utter those words out of your mouth for just being the all time steals leader, you have to be freakin sweet. There are a lot of great players out there, and I don’t know if I even give him top 25… top 50? Yeah. A decent lifetime hitter, but the man stole bases. He was a risk taker. Every time he got on he was looking to steal. If he got caught stealing, he was probably criticized. But at least he took that chance. (297 HR, .279 BA, 1406 SB (1st)). And this brings me to the point in writing this blog, as it is in reference to Brocks blog two weeks ago about Bandwagonism. (Please refer to this great article to find out if you are a true fan or if you are a bandwagoner).

Over the past few years I have taken a lot of criticism for the teams in which I root for. If you don’t know me, I will briefly explain my fan hood. I’m a die-hard Pittsburgh Pirates baseball fan. Yes, you heard it right. You know of any others? Please let me know so I can befriend them on facebook. To my knowledge, I have only met one in my lifetime (thank you Mr. Tuscano). I’m from Utah and don’t root for the Jazz…. Wow big shocker. I don’t willingly submit myself to that pain every year. I am a 76ers fan…(this is Philly’s year, gonna get the Villain from Ohio state!) And of course a huge Tampa Bay Buccaneers fans (hand over the heart for the 2002 super bowl champs)! And even though I attend BYU, I’m a Ute at heart. 3 Major American sports, 3 teams. Pretty easy right? Doesn’t everyone have a team that they root for in these 3 sports (preferably college too)? The answer my friends, is surprisingly…. NO. There are people out there that don’t give a crap about some sports. Which is understandable. They don’t watch a lot sports and could honestly care less if the Houston Oilers or the Montreal Expos win the championship. (That was a test, if you, in your mind, thought hey, those aren’t even teams anymore, and then this article probably applies to you).

This topic dawned on me one day when I was driving in the car. I suddenly realized how many low blows I take constantly. Then it really hit me hard when I realized that it happens almost every single day. Year round I take criticism and then defend my teams. And then, it hit me like it hits me about 5 hours after a gigantic Beto’s burrito. I take criticism from people who don’t even have teams! They feel like they have to right to call me out when they don’t even root for/claim a team. This is absurd! That’s like me telling someone they suck at Ballet, when I know absolutely nothing about it. That’s why I don’t have a favorite ballerina. Alright, so that wasn’t the best analogy. That’s why I’m uneffective. Anyways, to the point, if you fit under one of these criterion, and don't have a favorite team, you are a no-wagoner. So just try and mock one of my teams… you will be mocked my friend, you will be mocked.

1. You are semi-athletic. Ok that is a very gray area in that statement, cuz in determining yourself whether or not you are athletic, could be scary for some haha. But if you play sports at all, even city league basketball or softball, even the occasionally back yard football game, you need to claim a team in all 3 major sports.

2. You actually played sports in high school/college. I won’t say whom, but I have actually met a human being, that lives here on this earth (hey I'm watching Avatar as I write this), that played 5 years of college basketball. Is from Portland, (big sports state). Is about 6’4”, 172 lb’s on good day, blonde hair, blue eyes. Maybe you know him. This human does not even have a favorite NBA team! This is ironic…don’t ya think? Thanks Alanis. Not even a college a team either. Maybe a baseball team? Nope. Wow guys…wow. I got an idea, maybe the Blazers? How bout the ducks or the beavers? Mariners? Nothing! That my friends is called playing it safe. And is unacceptable.

3. You are from a major spots place. New York, Boston, L.A., Philly, Chicago, Dallas, St. Louis, Cleveland, Atlanta, Phoenix (yeah I’m calling out all you recent Cards/Suns fans). Almost all these sports cities have all 3 major sports and big colleges too. You have stuff to go to year round. I’m not saying you have to love that team, but it gives you opportunities to see your team if they are not from there also. You have no excuse to try and play it safe!

4. You are from absolutely nowhere! Laie, Hawaii, North/South Dakota, Montana, Iowa, New Mexico. And I’m talking like I’m from somewhere…Utah. You have absolutely nothing else to do! You should have teams. Believe me I have lived in Hawaii…March Madness and the NBA finals were like Christmas every night! You have no excuse.

5. And the final qualification is that you hang around sports oriented people. Maybe you don’t play much, live in a sports city, or in the middle of nowhere, (somewhere in the middle like Utah), but if you hang around people that are die-hards, you need to have teams too. You don’t wanna be that guy that’s talking out of his a…as I was saying, that guy that says, “You know Boston could really use a big name Pitcher…” Don’t be that guy, you have no excuse.

I hope these paragraphs have caused some serious reflection on your life. And hey, maybe they didn’t, but I better not hear a word from you criticizing another team unless you display your fan hood your own teams. Sorry for the week and half absence from posting… I know you have been checking the blog everyday in hopes of a new one haha… I hope you make the necessary changes to at least root for certain teams. I’m not saying go buy shirts and fly a banner on your car, but do something. Then maybe you can one day consider yourself, “the greatest fan of all time.”