10 Things I Hate About...Life

There are hundreds of movies, tv shows, stand up routines, and jokes about the little things in life that drive us crazy. People make careers off being able to identify and elaborate on these types of things. Think of Jerry Seinfeld and Kevin James. Lately, I have been keeping track of such things in my phone as I see them occur in my life. Listed below are 10 of my favorites, or perhaps I should say least favorites.

-I hate when someone holds the door open for you when you are more than four steps away. You feel obligated to give a courtesy jog and a little thank you, it's awkward and unnecessary. I appreciate the thought but I am fully capable of opening a door myself and I don't need to be the recipient of your “good turn daily”. I suggest that there should be a two step maximum distance for door holds. If you are just an extremely nice and loving person and feel obligated to always make an effort to hold a door open for someone then maybe you could do the big push thing as you walk by. That way if I want to hustle up and catch it before it closes then I can, but I don't have to, and you can walk away feeling like you did the Christ-like thing.

-I hate when someone crosses the street in front of you and makes you hit the brakes. Then they take their sweet time slowly walking across the street and never look back to give the courtesy wave. If I have to hit my brakes, not only do I expect a little hustle but I also deserve at least a thank you head nod if not a full on wave with a mouthed “thank you”. Why did you have to cross at that very second? You're obviously not in a hurry, so why couldn't you have waited six more seconds? All I ask is that we are a little less selfish.

-I hate when people wear their sunglasses indoors or at night. I can just imagine them checking themselves out in the mirror and thinking; “I look so good in these that I absolutely cannot afford to be seen without them.” I agree that sunglasses can be a vital beauty accessory. I mean what other item can you throw on that will cover close to half of the surface area of your face and instantly bump you up a solid point on the looks scale? All I ask is that we use a little discretion and kindly remove them when it gets difficult to even see where you're walking because it's far too dark.

-I hate when people are inconsistent with their speed on the freeway. You know when the same car passes you, 25 seconds later you pass them, and so on and so forth all the way to Las Vegas? I know that I have been going exactly 82 the entire way, so obviously you are completely oblivious the speed of your car until it hits about 100 and you slam on the brakes. It's frustrating to watch and I can only imagine it's frustrating to witness first hand from the passenger seat.

-I hate when someone makes me break my cruise control. I have it perfectly set at 82 (the optimal freeway speed fyi) and suddenly Diane in the blue Ford Focus finds it absolutely necessary to pass that very moment when I am only 60 feet behind her. I try to use the decel button so I don't have to cancel the cruise control but you know as well as I do that that's not going to be sufficient and I am going to have to use the brakes. Now, you've ruined my cruise control and I have to wait at least 1 minute before you pass the car, merge back to the slow lane where you belong, and then accelerate (not to mention the wasted gas used in performing such a maneuver) back up to my optimal 82. Please people, be considerate.

-I hate when I am the only one in a group that doesn't think something is hilarious. Everyone around me seems to think that Joe's locker room jokes are the epitome of funny and I'm left wondering if my sense of humor is off or if I'm just surrounded by idiots. Either way I find myself in that situation too often. Do I fake a laugh just to fit in? Or do I hold strong, maintain my pride and withhold my laughter for things that I find truly funny? Why should I lower my standards just so the person telling the sub-par jokes can feel that much more comfortable? I don't think I should and I think I'll continue to make people earn my laughs.

-I hate it when fountain drinks aren't mixed properly. You know, the mixture of carbonated water and syrup. We have high speed internet on our phones, cars that drive themselves, and rockets that fly to the outer regions on our galaxy but consistently mixing the soda is a problem that we can't seem to master. And it's always too much carbonated water. Never is the Pepsi too syrupy, which is a problem that I'd maybe be more apt to deal with. Countless times I have been driving along when all of a sudden a great thought flutters into my mind; “you know what sounds amazing right now? An ice cold Pepsi or Diet Coke from the gas station.” Imagine my disappointment when I go through the hassle of locating a g-station, driving to it, going in, physically fixing the drink, searching for change in my pockets, and finally getting back into my car ready to enjoy the first sip when I discover that it's a bad batch. A bad batch! Not only am I upset because of the wasted time/effort/money but I'm still left with this unquenchable thirst and only brown colored carbonated water to quench it with. It's a less than ideal situation and it's one that is making me contemplate possible bottled soda purchases from here on out.

-I hate it when someone wears the full Lance Armstrong biking gear when they are riding around town. Why do you have to wear USPS sponsored gear from head to toe to ride your bike through the streets. I know you're not sponsored. In fact, you probably paid quite the good looking penny to acquire such a get-up. Whats wrong with some shorts and a t-shirt? Is wind drag really a problem for you? Of course not, you just want people to look at you and admire your trim physique and expensive sunglasses.

-I hate it when people can't handle simple math. The other day I bought something for like $1.34 at a place that didn't have a cash register. I handed the lady a $5 bill and waited for my change. She had this absolutely puzzled look on her face and I could see the wheels were turning as she tried to subtract 1.34 from 5. After about 30 seconds I decided to help her out and say 3.66. I didn't want to be rude and put this lady down, but I just wanted my change so I could leave. I did it in as nice a way as I could come up with (Ummm, I think it's like $3.66 right?), and then she gave me a look like she didn't trust me, as if I was trying to cheat her out of $0.14 or something. Eventually she agreed on $3.66 and I was able to leave but the fact remains that if you can't handle simple math like that and are operating a place of business where that kind of math is very needful and necessary then maybe you should invest the $3 and get yourself a calculator.